ex_striking429 | ic inbox. (ataraxion)

Oh, you'd like that. I don't really do alliances, Mockingjay.

[Except calling her that just stands as a reminder of that one time Johanna joined the big alliance known as the rebellion and played her part in it right to the hilt. Shh. Don't tell anyone.

To distract from this, she peels off the largest big of eggshell yet, and flicks it right toward Katniss.]

What's on your list? Tell me yours, and I'll tell you mine. More than just the two things I told you right now.

[ katniss catches it, and then crumples it in her hand, little fragments of shell fluttering to the floor. but she doesn't say anything about it. ]

[ she doesn't say anything about johanna allying with she and peeta and finnick in the arena, either. ]

Meat.

[ that's where she starts. she isn't allowed hunt anything here, and the protein and jerky just isn't the same. ]

Oxygen canisters, and a mask. Better shoes. Seeds. Sleeping bags. Portable heater. Water purification. A gun. Chocolate.

[ a quiet pause. ]

Maybe some medicine for Peeta, if there was any. To help him sleep.

[ she knows that's more revealing than her little self-contained survivalist list, the one that makes her sound more like she thinks she's still in the arena. ]

[The egg is half eaten and over half peeled. Johanna strips off a long piece of shell, careful to keep the section of it intact and attached to the thin membrane of skin beneath. Her smile is one of grim amusement at that first part of the list, all so familiar, half Tribute wishlist and half poor deprived District kid.

She doesn't have any room in her for pity. Even if she did, she wouldn't feel it. Pity doesn't do shit for anyone. Whatever she feels, when Katniss mentions Peeta, it's way more complicated. Tied up in there is the fact that she kind of hates Peeta for making her feel anything at all. Which means she hates Katniss, too, since Katniss is what got them into the whole capture-and-torture routine.

She smirks, flatly, and then fuck it, she goes right for the jugular.]

Do you love him?

[She looks right at Katniss when she asks. There's more to follow that up, but she leaves the question stand on its own to start with.]

[ and suddenly they're not talking about their wishlists anymore. katniss shifts, uncomfortable with the question. a part of her doesn't want to even answer: it's too complicated, and it's none of Johanna's business. ]

Maybe.

[ she says at last, but that's a cop-out so she explains, gives her a little more. ]

I did. I know I did.

[ it had taken her a long time to realize, and she still isn't sure what was faked for the cameras, but katniss knows that when he'd kissed her on the beach she'd had such feelings for him, strong and true. ]

[ she looks away. ]

He hates me now.

[ she tries not to torture herself clinging to something he can't reciprocate. love requires trust, after all, and katniss doesn't trust peeta not to kill her in her sleep. ]

Well, that'll happen.

[She says it so very matter-of-fact, like all of this is incredibly normal. Another bite of egg; she chews, calmly.]

You know how it is. Never know what you've got until you don't have it anymore. I guess it doesn't really matter, how you felt, or how you feel. Or how he feels--that one might matter a little more. But there's no better place to get over it than space, right?

[Carelessly, Johanna shrugs, one-shouldered.]

Unless he's really worth it.

I want to do whatever makes him feel better.

[ if being near her triggers him into an attack, then she'll keep away. but if she can find some way to help him, then she'll do that instead. ]

It's not about love. He's Peeta.

[ he's the best person she knows. whether or not they want to kiss seems irrelevant now in the face of everything else. ]

[She sighs, and lets her head roll back on her shoulders so she can stare up at the ceiling instead of having to look at Katniss.]

Oh, that's disgusting. I think I just lost my appetite.

Don't pretend you don't feel the same way.

[ she's seen you leaping to his defense, johanna!! ]

Yeah, but I'm not the one who was fake-or-maybe-really engaged to him. Peeta and and I have a different special relationship. No wedding dresses involved. Just torture.

[sorry this is part of girl talk.]

If I was in your place, I'd just kill him.

[ katniss looks at her sharply at that. she wants to object that she doesn't kill people, but even she on her moral high horse knows that's not true anymore. but she doesn't think she could kill innocents. she knows she couldn't kill peeta. not in cold blood. she shakes her head. ]

Everyone would know it was me.

[Untroubled, Johanna shrugs.]

So?

[If she were in the habit of telling the truth, she would have to admit that she does not really want to kill Peeta, or see Peeta get killed. It's similar but different, to the way that she doesn't really want to see Katniss get killed; a little less dark than the Katniss version of those feelings.

But Johanna also doesn't let people screw her, and she doesn't let herself get caught in too many feelings. Thus the dispassion in the way that she says:]

If it's you or him, which one are you going to choose? No, wait, don't tell me. I saw the answer during your Games, it was so touching. But we're done with that game, Katniss. The rules of this game go like this: if he comes to kill you, you kill him first. No matter who he is.

No.

[ that's it, just no. it takes a lot for katniss to give up her survivalist instincts. she always has so many excuses: she needed to live for prim, for her family and gale's. to get peeta medicine. to prove the audience wrong. but she won't be another piece in anybody's game. ]

[She waits for a second, like maybe there will be more--but there isn't. Katniss Everdeen, a woman of few words.]

Wow.

[Johanna snorts, as she swings her feet up onto the bed so she can stretch out. She's not yet finished eating the egg, but she's getting comfortable like she intends to stay even after it's gone.]

Too bad there aren't any cameras around that we're allowed to watch. That sounds like such a beautiful and poetic death, even better than double suicide. I guess you really are in love with him.

He would have done the same for me.

[ is katniss' response. her compassion is basically learned behaviour, and it's hard, though somehow Johanna's mockery makes it easier. ]

The end of the first Games was different.

[ she's never told this to anyone really. ]

All I could think was — if I went back to a District Twelve without Peeta, no one would ever look me in the eye again. I'd be a pariah.

[ she looks steadily at johanna, and then away. nibbles some more. ]

But now Twelve's gone.

[At that confession, Johanna's smile ticks up the corners of her mouth. She doesn't take another bite of egg, but stares, steadily, back at Katniss.

Twelve is gone. It doesn't make sense, but she can guess at what Katniss means. The fact that Katniss is from some point in the future, and knows more than her, knows what happened, like she skipped to the end of the book while Johanna was still stuck back in a torture chamber on page fifty--Johanna is aware of it, dimly, and she doesn't like it.]

Congratulations. [Flat. Her smile stays in place.] I think that's the first real thing I've ever heard you say. You're just as bad as the rest of us, Mockingjay.

[A noble sacrifice that wasn't really noble at all. She breaks her stare so she can look down at the egg again, as she jams her thumb into its soft interior.]

Tell me what happened to Twelve.

[ katniss isn't hurt by that. before the arena, before their alliance, katniss had seen johanna as just another person to kill. during it, she was aware of the cameras watching. nothing johanna had ever had a chance to hear her say was honest. here, she still watches her words habitually, but she's starting to admit a little more of the survivalist she is at heart. ]

[ she doesn't tell johanna that she might just be the worst. ]

Snow blew it up. Like Thirteen.

[ slightly detached from the words, almost resigned, like she's going to sigh and say "you know how president snow gets." ]

He was angry about the Games.

[ katniss probably doesn't have to tell johanna that. ]

[She doesn't have to say which Games, either, or why Snow would have been angry. She stares, hard, at Katniss. It doesn't last long, maybe just a few seconds--and then she laughs, once.]

Shit.

[More distant than sad. Twelve wasn't her District, and she does not like Katniss. But still. She's smiling, but it's very surface, just a flat lift of the corners of her mouth. You know how President Snow gets.]

Some revolution, huh?

[ and here katniss gives her a look, the kind of fierce, hurt, determined, furious look that had been blasted in propos across panem. the same look she'd once given a Capitol audience when she recalled how she told prim she would win the games. ]

It's not over yet.

[ she promises softly. a lot of twelve got out in time, but not enough did. a lot of victors got out of their games in time, but not enough did. blood for blood for blood. ]

[ the fact that they've never been further from panem seems irrelevant to her resolve. ]

Isn't it?

[When Johanna looks around at Katniss, it's not with an expression of defeat. It's something a little colder. She sits perfectly still, facing down her fellow Victor, the fingers of one hand curled against the soft surface of the egg, crushing it, her thumb stabbed in.]

That's your District. He's taking everything from you, piece by piece. He got your fiance. When's it over? When you get him? Get in line, Mockingjay. There's a lot of us that want a piece of Snow.

Or is it over when everyone is free? What happens then? What are you doing this for?

I did it to get you back.

[ katniss tells her, suddenly harsh, her voice loud. she modulates it. ]

Both of you. And the other victors. If I hadn't joined her rebellion, Coin would have just let you rot.

[ katniss doesn't want any of it, but there are so many reasons why she can't just walk away. even once peeta and johanna were rescued from the capitol, she'd kept being what they needed, had been the mockingjay. ]

And I couldn't stop it, even if I wanted to. I'd love to see Snow dead and the Games — eradicated, but the revolution is bigger than what I want.

[ besides, she doesn't know how to do or be anything else. ]

Yeah, you got me back because you owed me. I was part of the plan that got you out of the Arena, I saved your life by cutting your tracker out of your arm--so you were saving my life. Don't pretend you were getting me back because you loved me so much.

[There's no one that loves her, remember? She throws the last remnants of the egg on the floor and wipes her hand on the blankets, staring at Katniss the whole while. It doesn't hurt knowing that District 13 would have left them in the Capitol's clutches. Katniss is right about one thing: it's bigger than what she wants, what they want. Bigger than them. Selfishness is something she gets.]

If it's bigger than what you want, then you're not getting what you want. And that's stupid. You're letting them be the only selfish ones? Stupid. If someone's going to use you, you use them right back. Getting us out was pretty good. But you could do better. You're their Mockingjay. It's bullshit, but make it your bullshit.

[--but, then, she sighs, and tips her head back, losing the conviction of the moment.]

Of course, it probably doesn't matter. They'll probably kill Snow for us. Your rebels are pretty pissed off.

[ katniss disagrees: she got johanna out because she couldn't stand thinking about what the Capitol might be doing to the victors because of her. she could say, oh, johanna had been haymitch's friend, and Annie was for finnick, but enobaria? she'd just wanted them to be free. ]

I made them let my sister keep her cat.

[ she murmurs. and she'd been allowed to hunt, she and gale. there had been things she'd wanted on that list, demands she made. before she'd come here they'd been training her even still healing her bullet wound, because she demanded to take the fight to the Capitol. ]

It doesn't matter because we're not there.

[ she says dully, and that's basically her attitude towards the whole thing. ]

[A cat. Johanna laughs, and it's not a nice laugh at all. She shifts so she can stand up--a little unsteadily, considering she's still on the bed's mattress--but there's a gracefulness to the way that she hops off and lands on the floor. Her face is still a little bit of a mess. There's some mashed egg under her fingernails. She tosses her hair like she's wearing Capitol couture.]

If you think it doesn't matter, you're really stupid. Maybe the rebels don't matter. Maybe District 13 doesn't matter. But if you don't figure out what you want, Mockingjay, you're going to be fighting an empty fight. And those are the fights that get you killed. Take it from me: I'm a Mentor.

[She gives Katniss a smirk over her shoulder, as self-deprecating as it is cutting.]

When we find who brought us here, you better believe I'm going in with a list of what I want. And you won't be on it. Think for yourself.

[That said, she shoves off toward the door, her walk practically a sashay, for all the limited space that she's got. One parting volley--]

It's too bad. Snow would have loved you. You're bought so cheap. Your sister's cat, seriously....

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